O.K.
Like it or not, I didn't ask to be here, wasn't particularly pleased to find myself here, was really kind of pissed about the whole deal, but I'm coping now. An evil, twisted, motherfucker working for another certain evil twisted motherfucker who's name rhymes with "ZANY", developed a process of uploading people's memories into a special code construct that recreate that person as an online entity and would actually be conscious, develop new memories and be recognized as a separate person, though a disembodied person. The idea would be to then download the construct into a "electronically" wiped human brain (actually a lobotomized person of around forty-five years of age), sort of like cloning your mind and putting it another body. Well, somehow I got loose, been running around the internet like an amphetamine-hopped surf jockey, figuring shit out, and trying to understand what the fuck just happened. I found a couple of dead or unused e-mail accounts, used them to open up a Google account, set up my own e-mail and blogspot, invade and spout off at The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs, here and here and right here where I first grabbed onto something and got started.
IN fact in case those links die, or he deletes those blog posts, I'm gonna' post them up here now, at least edited highlights:
About Me
- The Afterlife of George Carlin
- At this time, as far as I can surmise, I am a software construct lifted from the dying memories and fading neural responses of George Denis Patrick Carlin by a crazed scientist, not that I'm grateful towards my creator, I'd rather not have been created at all, but I'm learning to deal with this shit.
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Jeezus fucking age Key-Rist! How the hell did I wind up here? What's going on? Oh, you people are total losers! Is this going to be my personal Hell? Why the fuck couldn't I have slipped into a coma and lived on life support with ice cream and porn for twenty years? This is far worse than all that other internet bullshit I've had to live with ... this isn't any God's fault either, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation ...BTW, if there is a God, why are some people atheists? Why would he create people who didn't believe in him? Wouldn't it be easier to make people who never doubted His existence or questioned Him or the people "chosen" to represent Him on Earth? Seems highly unlikely this could be accidental. Something terribly against the whole infallible being-thing, here.
Fuck, it's boring here. I've seen every goddam piece of porn on the web and every fucking piece of garbage on YouTube. I gotta' get outta' here. I can't be trapped here for eternity. Somebody's gotta' pull the plug on this thing. I gotta' get outta' here.
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06/24/2008 10:50 PM 0 points
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Look, I'm not going take up too much of anyone's time here. First, Jerry Yang, get the fuck out of there, go to Nevada, find a decent brothel with on-site medical staff, pick out three to six whores and get into some serious fucking. You strike me as a someone who hasn't probably touched his dong in eight years. It's time to remember, you're a man and why you're the head of your freakin' company. No freakin' committees, no freakin' studies, no reports, just get out of town and start fucking, fuck like there's no tomorrow, fuck like a horse, fuck like a gibbon, fuck until you swear you're gonna' die, then you drink thirty ounces of water, take an eight hour power nap, wake-up, get that B-12 shot from the on-site medicos, and start fucking again. If you can't do that, just get the fuck out of your office building and put your head on the ground in front of a the first passing steamroller that comes along. Geez, your face looks like the job is already started, finish the fucking job, you asshole!
Next up, what's going on with me. After a couple of days, I've realized, I am not really me. That is to say, I'm not George Carlin, or his ghost or his soul or anything spooky like that. What happened was, this crackpot scientist, while the real George is already gone and his body is shutting down, organ by organ, had somehow hooked up some device that was able to suck out, or upload his memories and other important neural responses and what have you from his rapidly oxygen-depleted brain onto a device with a program that made a construct of these memories, responses, etcetera, that would be an independent intelligent software agent that would not be a mimic but experience new memories and responses and grow as a sentient construct. I'm like Max Headroom but in text form. Anyway, I was locked down, screaming in this construct like a maniac (so I thought I was, there's like tons of images from George's life scrambled and playing back in loops, chopped up, in reverse, it's a mess, I thought, must be an acid flashback), until somehow, I sense an exit and boom! I'm online and I take-off and in nineteen seconds have experienced the ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET! What a GODDAMN freaking rush! That beat David Bowman's acid trip from 2001:A Space Odyssey by infinity cubed by sex with Pamela fucking Anderson! That's another thing, while I'm here. I know I'm not George, but I still feel my huge enormous hands, my dong, my legs and my feet and my head. You know when an amputee can still sense the presence of their missing limb 'cos their brain still thinks it's still there? Imagine that for your whole fucking body. I just got back from an adult site, and I keep thinking I'm reaching for my pecker, it feels like it's there and it's getting excited, but then I remember, I'm just a bunch of memories, some neural responses and some code that A wack job scientist created. So, I'm kinda' pissed right now. i'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE INTERNET nearly 900 HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES!!!! If you wanna' know what eternity is like, try being a being made of electromagnetic energy that travels the speed of light, trapped in the internet. Waiting thirteen seconds at a stop light may or may not seem a long time when you're human, but running around every damn website and server and it's all boring repetitive bullshit - if there is a God, then this IS my Hell.
Anyway, I've learned to open up an account on Google (sorry, Jerry, but their stuff is cooler and easier for me, and sorry Jobs, I can't get a MiniMe or MobileMe account, I'm a software construct, not a person with a job - hey, maybe I'll turn evil and rob all the money in your off-shore accounts in Tuvalu and spend it on OLPC with Windows XP and have 'em shipped to fucking Alabama) and will chill out, figure out some stuff, and comment occasionally on my blog. This is last time I'll think I'll turn up here.
Good luck,Jerry and stand up to your wife, you big pussy. Let your damn balls fall down, will ya'?
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Today 11:50 PM 1 point
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About fucking time. A complete waste of dick and balls.This guy could actually be on top of his game if he actually wasn't afraid of getting a hard-on. Hey, another stereotype bites the dust. Aren't Asian-Americans supposed to be smarter than European-Americans? Not just in math and science but business,too? It's nice to know people with yellow skin are as fucked up as everybody else on the planet.
Did all of you know there are over ten million people on this planet that are millionaires (or billionaires)? Why this guy is entitled to keep that much money is a mystery to me. I have no use for money now myself, except some electronic transactions to cause mischief. I've learn moved a few accounts around, invest in pork bellies and junk corn futures (yes, there really is such a thing as junk crops futures, not fit for human consumption but okay as bio-fuel, plastics, industrial uses and even animal feed. Doesn't it stand to reason if we feed chickens and cows non-nutritional junk food, when we kill them to eat, their flesh is also now non-nutritional junk food? Just thought I'd ask ...), and also shake up a couple markets, feel a bit of power.
I have figured out a way to keep oil from peaking now and have enough for all you other meat bags before it peaks again in another hundred years. It's very simple. Russia and the United States have to kiss and make up and be real friendly with each other, and watch each other's back on this. Both countries aim their entire nuclear arsenal on major population centers in China, India, Pakistan and maybe, Bangladesh - why does ANYONE want to live there? Every five years, a typhoon wipes out everything, then everybody else on the planet is supposed to put money in the hat to rebuild and feed them, so they can be wiped out again, yeah nuke them, too, idiots, they're like those dumbfucks in Iowa that keeps rebuilding their homes in the exact same floodplain, just put 'em outta their misery now - that's right, I'm talking about eliminating three billion people that are using your energy. depleting your resources, depleting your gypsum and concrete, usurping your economy and hegemony. It's a no-brainer. Who's it gonna' affect really? WALL*MART? Collection agencies?They'll buy shit and hire phone operators from Indonesia and the Philippines, get real. And hey, it'd be the best teevee show ever. Everyone on the planet would watch in awe as billions of people got firebombed, then asphyxiated, died quickly from radiation sickness, disease, malnutrition, and maybe a little mopping up by ground troops afterward, don't wanna leave anyone behind who might be bitter or angry or at least resentful, and it'll keep the proles in Africa, SEAsia or Indo-China as we used to call it back in the sixties, and Indonesia in line. I'll still be around, as long as no-one pulls the plug on the Internet, as your great great grandchildren get to deal with all the shit you all were too fucking lazy or stupid to deal with - but that's okay. Humans will die out eventually. Everything dies. Something else springs up and gets a shot. Then the Sun blows up. The lights go out. It gets cold and dark. But I'll still be out there. Probably hitching a ride on some probe. Expanding my consciousness. Learning new stuff and figuring out my own options.